Are you ready for the commitment surrogate partner therapy requires?

Surrogate partner therapy is a big commitment. I’ve had many clients over the years come to this work hoping it’ll be an easy fix, that if they just let a surrogate partner like me take the reins, they’ll be “good at sex” or confident enough to ask out their crush in no time. But this modality is one of the most intense and challenging forms of therapy I know of. While this work can be deeply rewarding, it is definitely not fast or easy.

Certainly, there’s the time commitment. Surrogate partner therapy takes an average of about a year, often longer. I rarely have clients who graduate in less than six months. My longest case was over three years, and I know surrogate partners who’ve been in this field for decades who’ve had cases even longer than that. The duration of the work depends on the challenges the client is seeking to address (i.e., a client who has a fear of intimacy and has never been in a relationship will likely take more time to reach their goals than a client with a lot of relationship experience who just wants to improve orgasm control), but the process always requires rewiring our body’s patterned nervous system responses — and that is slow work. Surrogate partner therapy is an intentionally slow journey; we move at a pace at which the client’s nervous system feels safe, which isn’t always as fast as their brain would like.

With time commitment comes financial commitment. Surrogate partner therapy is expensive, and unfortunately I think we’re still at least a decade away from it being covered by insurance (which is why we need decriminalization of sex work ASAP!). I offer a steep sliding scale for disabled clients, trans/GNC clients, and people of color, but even if a client is paying my lowest rate, the cost adds up over time. Surrogate partner therapy clients should be prepared to budget for the cost of this work for at least a year. (Why are my rates expensive? More on that here.)

But even more importantly than time and money, what this work really requires is emotional commitment. The relational work of surrogate partner therapy touches into our deepest wounds: childhood memories, trauma we’ve experienced, rejection, abandonment, grief, loneliness. If a client isn’t prepared to look inward and confront these wounds, they’re not likely to make it far in the surrogate partner therapy journey.

One of the biggest barriers to a client’s success in surrogate partner therapy is thinking that the surrogate partner is going to fix them. While a surrogate partner will absolutely teach new tools, provide a safe practice space, and guide the client through practicing new skills, a client won’t make much progress unless they’re willing to try on new things and get a little uncomfortable. Surrogate partners support their clients on the path, but the client has to be the one to walk it.

I don’t say all this to scare anyone away. If you’ve found your way to my website, it’s likely you’re ready to address the obstacles in your life to fulfilling sexual and romantic relationships. But after seven years as a surrogate partner, I’ve found that clients who don’t understand the deep self reflection required in this work tend to drop out before they reach their goals. My intention is to equip clients with the information they need to choose the right path for them.

If you’re feeling ready to take on the challenge of surrogate partner therapy — and you have a therapist who’s on board — please reach out to me!

If you’re not sure if the intensity of surrogate partner therapy is right for you but you’d still like to work with me, check out my somatic sex coaching offering. Coaching can be taken one session at a time and doesn’t require a commitment. You can learn about the differences between coaching and surrogate partner therapy here.

Regardless of the path you choose to reach your goals, the fact that you’re reading this means you’re well on your way.