Surrogate partner therapy (SPT) relies on a triadic structure — this means it involves the client, surrogate partner, and therapist. Although the therapist is never in the room with the client and the surrogate partner as we’re doing hands-on work, they are an integral part of the process.
The therapist’s main role in the SPT triad is to emotionally support the client, just as they have been doing prior to starting the surrogate partner therapy process. Because surrogate partner therapy is deeply intense work, it often brings to the surface our core attachment wounds and old trauma patterns — just as real-world romantic relationships do. The therapist is there to support the client as these challenges come up, whether that be processing after a session triggers a traumatic memory, figuring out how to share hard feelings with the surrogate partner, or staying the course when the going gets tough.
The therapist’s other critical role in the triad is supporting the surrogate partner. This primarily means helping the surrogate partner decide what pacing to follow when planning a session, providing context about the client’s past when it’s relevant, and figuring out the best ways to phrase feedback for a client. Sometimes, the therapist may also help the surrogate partner with countertransference they’re having toward the client. Although surrogate partners are trained professionals, serving as both a partner and a practitioner can be a delicate balance. The therapist may from time to time help the surrogate partner identify when their own past experiences or feelings are affecting their work with the client, and whether it’s most supportive of the client to remain in more of a practitioner role or drop more into a partner role at that time.
Schedule and time commitment
So, what does that all mean in terms of time commitment?
The surrogate partner therapy process kicks off with a triadic meeting; all three of us convene (usually on Zoom) to discuss the client’s goals and the work they’ve done with their therapist thus far, decide what schedule we’ll follow, and answer any remaining questions the client or therapist have. The triadic meeting is typically an hour long, and can sometimes even be scheduled during a client’s usual meeting time with their therapist.
After the triadic meeting, each duo in the triad meets separately either weekly or every other week; the client and surrogate partner meet for hands-on sessions, the client and therapist meet on their regular schedule for talk sessions, and the therapist and surrogate partner have a call in between each of the client and surrogate partner’s sessions. Typically these calls are 10 – 20 minutes long.
Once in a while, an additional online triadic meeting may be necessary. If a client is struggling to share important reflections or feedback with their surrogate partner, they may request a triadic meeting in order to have the support of their therapist while sharing. If the client and surrogate partner have a conflict they’re unable to resolve on their own, the surrogate partner might suggest a triadic meeting to help them move through it.
At the close of the work, we usually have one final triadic meeting to celebrate the client’s growth, reflect on their progress, and identify the areas they will continue to work on in their real-world relationships.
Compensation and fees
Because calls with therapists are a requirement of my work with SPT clients, I build the cost of those calls into my hourly rate. I do not charge the client additional fees for my regular calls with the therapist. I do charge for triadic meetings.
I recognize that for therapists, regular calls with another practitioner are not a built-in part of their practice, and for that reason, I encourage therapists to decide with their client what amount of compensation feels fair. Some therapists charge their client their typical hourly rate for our calls. Some therapists schedule our calls at the beginning or end of their session with the client, so that they’re not using additional time for our calls. Some therapists choose not to charge their client any additional fees, and instead schedule our calls at times that are convenient for them, like on their drive home from work or when they’re walking their dogs.
If a therapist simply doesn’t have time for an additional call between sessions, it’s likely they’re not a fit for the SPT triad, and the client will need to find another provider who has availability.
Katherine Yeagel 