Author: katherineyeagel

Surrogate partner therapy (SPT) relies on a triadic structure — this means it involves the client, surrogate partner, and therapist. Although the therapist is never in the room with the client and the surrogate partner as we’re doing hands-on work, they are an integral part of the process.

The therapist’s main role in the SPT triad is to emotionally support the client, just as they have been doing prior to starting the surrogate partner therapy process. Because surrogate partner therapy is deeply intense work, it often brings to the surface our core attachment wounds and old trauma patterns — just as real-world romantic relationships do. The therapist is there to support the client as these challenges come up, whether that be processing after a session triggers a traumatic memory, figuring out how to share hard feelings with the surrogate partner, or staying the course when the going gets tough.

The therapist’s other critical role in the triad is supporting the surrogate partner. This primarily means helping the surrogate partner decide what pacing to follow when planning a session, providing context about the client’s past when it’s relevant, and figuring out the best ways to phrase feedback for a client. Sometimes, the therapist may also help the surrogate partner with countertransference they’re having toward the client. Although surrogate partners are trained professionals, serving as both a partner and a practitioner can be a delicate balance. The therapist may from time to time help the surrogate partner identify when their own past experiences or feelings are affecting their work with the client, and whether it’s most supportive of the client to remain in more of a practitioner role or drop more into a partner role at that time.

Schedule and time commitment

So, what does that all mean in terms of time commitment?

The surrogate partner therapy process kicks off with a triadic meeting; all three of us convene (usually on Zoom) to discuss the client’s goals and the work they’ve done with their therapist thus far, decide what schedule we’ll follow, and answer any remaining questions the client or therapist have. The triadic meeting is typically an hour long, and can sometimes even be scheduled during a client’s usual meeting time with their therapist.

After the triadic meeting, each duo in the triad meets separately either weekly or every other week; the client and surrogate partner meet for hands-on sessions, the client and therapist meet on their regular schedule for talk sessions, and the therapist and surrogate partner have a call in between each of the client and surrogate partner’s sessions. Typically these calls are 10 – 20 minutes long.

Once in a while, an additional online triadic meeting may be necessary. If a client is struggling to share important reflections or feedback with their surrogate partner, they may request a triadic meeting in order to have the support of their therapist while sharing. If the client and surrogate partner have a conflict they’re unable to resolve on their own, the surrogate partner might suggest a triadic meeting to help them move through it.

At the close of the work, we usually have one final triadic meeting to celebrate the client’s growth, reflect on their progress, and identify the areas they will continue to work on in their real-world relationships.

Compensation and fees

Because calls with therapists are a requirement of my work with SPT clients, I build the cost of those calls into my hourly rate. I do not charge the client additional fees for my regular calls with the therapist. I do charge for triadic meetings.

I recognize that for therapists, regular calls with another practitioner are not a built-in part of their practice, and for that reason, I encourage therapists to decide with their client what amount of compensation feels fair. Some therapists charge their client their typical hourly rate for our calls. Some therapists schedule our calls at the beginning or end of their session with the client, so that they’re not using additional time for our calls. Some therapists choose not to charge their client any additional fees, and instead schedule our calls at times that are convenient for them, like on their drive home from work or when they’re walking their dogs.

If a therapist simply doesn’t have time for an additional call between sessions, it’s likely they’re not a fit for the SPT triad, and the client will need to find another provider who has availability.

This is a guided touch meditation for discovering what parts of your body and what kinds of touch bring you pleasure. Make yourself a cozy nest, get out any lotions, oils, or toys that might enhance sensation for you, and start exploring.

Surrogate partner therapy is a big commitment. I’ve had many clients over the years come to this work hoping it’ll be an easy fix, that if they just let a surrogate partner like me take the reins, they’ll be “good at sex” or confident enough to ask out their crush in no time. But this modality is one of the most intense and challenging forms of therapy I know of. While this work can be deeply rewarding, it is definitely not fast or easy.

Certainly, there’s the time commitment. Surrogate partner therapy takes an average of about a year, often longer. I rarely have clients who graduate in less than six months. My longest case was over three years, and I know surrogate partners who’ve been in this field for decades who’ve had cases even longer than that. The duration of the work depends on the challenges the client is seeking to address (i.e., a client who has a fear of intimacy and has never been in a relationship will likely take more time to reach their goals than a client with a lot of relationship experience who just wants to improve orgasm control), but the process always requires rewiring our body’s patterned nervous system responses — and that is slow work. Surrogate partner therapy is an intentionally slow journey; we move at a pace at which the client’s nervous system feels safe, which isn’t always as fast as their brain would like.

With time commitment comes financial commitment. Surrogate partner therapy is expensive, and unfortunately I think we’re still at least a decade away from it being covered by insurance (which is why we need decriminalization of sex work ASAP!). I offer a steep sliding scale for disabled clients, trans/GNC clients, and people of color, but even if a client is paying my lowest rate, the cost adds up over time. Surrogate partner therapy clients should be prepared to budget for the cost of this work for at least a year. (Why are my rates expensive? More on that here.)

But even more importantly than time and money, what this work really requires is emotional commitment. The relational work of surrogate partner therapy touches into our deepest wounds: childhood memories, trauma we’ve experienced, rejection, abandonment, grief, loneliness. If a client isn’t prepared to look inward and confront these wounds, they’re not likely to make it far in the surrogate partner therapy journey.

One of the biggest barriers to a client’s success in surrogate partner therapy is thinking that the surrogate partner is going to fix them. While a surrogate partner will absolutely teach new tools, provide a safe practice space, and guide the client through practicing new skills, a client won’t make much progress unless they’re willing to try on new things and get a little uncomfortable. Surrogate partners support their clients on the path, but the client has to be the one to walk it.

I don’t say all this to scare anyone away. If you’ve found your way to my website, it’s likely you’re ready to address the obstacles in your life to fulfilling sexual and romantic relationships. But after seven years as a surrogate partner, I’ve found that clients who don’t understand the deep self reflection required in this work tend to drop out before they reach their goals. My intention is to equip clients with the information they need to choose the right path for them.

If you’re feeling ready to take on the challenge of surrogate partner therapy — and you have a therapist who’s on board — please reach out to me!

If you’re not sure if the intensity of surrogate partner therapy is right for you but you’d still like to work with me, check out my somatic sex coaching offering. Coaching can be taken one session at a time and doesn’t require a commitment. You can learn about the differences between coaching and surrogate partner therapy here.

Regardless of the path you choose to reach your goals, the fact that you’re reading this means you’re well on your way.

I wrote an article for Tryst’s blog about how sexual wellness practitioners, like sex therapists and somatic sex educators, can support sex workers. As someone whose work straddles the worlds of “wellness” and sex work, it pains me how frequently I see sexual wellness practitioners — whose work directly benefits from the sex positive discourse sex work has contributed to our culture — touting anti-sex work rhetoric. I’m really proud of this piece; it was a work of love and anger, and seeing the positive response it received brought me a lot of joy. You can read the article here.

This is a tool I teach all my clients within the first session or two and continue to return to throughout the work.”What zone are you in?” I’ll ask clients if I see them zoning out during a conversation or speeding up while they’re talking. “Which activity feels greenest?” I’ll ask when offering a menu of exercises, or: “Do you feel ready to try something a little yellow?” Paying attention to our body’s cues helps us build safety, whether we’re alone or with a partner. Watch me explain the window of tolerance in more detail here. I created this version of the window of tolerance based on tools from somatic sex educators Caffyn Jesse and Corinne Diachuk.

Typically, we want to be in the green zone about sixty to seventy percent of the time in a session. This is pretty different than where most of us live day-to-day, given that many of us have to spend more time at our jobs than we’d like to, interact with people we don’t get along with, commute in traffic, wash dishes, pay bills, and lots of other activities that don’t bring us joy, so it can take a lot of practice to get the hang of choosing comfort and pleasure.

Once we’ve established a foundation of safety and presence, we consciously choose activities that bring us into the yellow zone — which is where we learn and grow. But we need to be self aware when we’re in the yellow zone, making sure we don’t edge into orange or red. Once we’re activated (orange and red zone), we’re re-training our body to repeat the same old nervous system patterns we’ve learned our whole lives. For most of us, that’s a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response, and although that pattern has likely served us well in the past, it’s usually the very pattern clients come to me to unlearn.

The window of tolerance is a powerful tool for learning embodied consent. Consent is way more than getting a simple “yes” or “no” — it requires awareness of our body and attunement to our partner’s as well. You can learn more about what embodied consent feels like over on my Instagram.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.