Author: katherineyeagel

I’ve seen a lot of posts and articles lately about the different “types” of orgasms. These posts usually feature some sort of bullet list that includes clitoral, G-spot, “blended” or “combination” orgasms, and sometimes “coregasms” (orgasms that occur from sit-ups and other exercises that engage the core). I’m glad sex educators are talking about the fact that orgasms don’t have to come from only one specific body part, but why do we continue to try to squeeze sexual anatomy into binaries and categories?

The thing about orgasms is: they can come from anywhere on our body (or not even using the body!). We usually think about orgasms as being centered around the genitals, but that’s a pretty limited understanding. “All the science shows that orgasm is a brain-mediated event. We may know it being triggered by our genitals but it doesn’t mean it can’t be facilitated by anything else,” Dr. Mitch Tepper explains in this incredible video about orgasms after spinal cord injury. “With the right intention and the right attention, literally anything can become orgasmic.”

I have known folks who reached orgasm from all sorts of different touch: one person could come from nipple stimulation alone, another from having his thumbs sucked on, and someone I dated even told me she had once orgasmed from deep-throating a dildo (J E A L O U S).

If you’re used to orgasming from touching one specific place on your body (e.g., your clitoris or penis), it could be fun to experiment with expanding your orgasmic zone. For years, my solosex pratice focused on one part of my clitoris (the left vestibular bulb, to be specific). As I explored partnered sex in my late teens and early 20s, I discovered that adding vaginal penetration into the mix (aka “a blended orgasm”) deepened the sensation, and eventually that anal stimulation could lead to my most intense and satisfying orgasms. When I started training as a surrogate partner, I realized I could expand the orgasmic areas of my body potentially infinitely. These days when I masturbate, my orgasm usually comes from a combination of vulva, vaginal, anal, and sometimes armpit stimulation, along with a whole lot of body movement.

Here are some solosex ideas to try out if you’re seeking to expand your center of orgasm:

• Follow your typical masturbation routine. As you get turned on, start exploring areas surrounding your typical center of orgasm. If you usually focus on the glans of your clitoris, try touching further down your vulva, along the crura and bulbs of the clitoris, and/or the entry to your vaginal canal. If you usually use up-and-down motions on your penis, try extending your strokes to include your testicles, perineum, and/or inner thighs.
• Spend a masturbation session exploring an erogenous zone other than your genitals, like your ears, neck, nipples, anus, or toes. It’s unlikely that you’ll orgasm the first time you try this, so instead of focusing on climaxing, shift your focus to expanding your pleasure. You can also pair this touch with genital touch, which will start to build neural connections between your old erotic habits and your new erotic explorations.
• Experiment with movement: rock your hips back and forth, shake or wiggle your legs, send ripples of breath down your torso.

Don’t expect to have an orgasm the first time you try a new masturbation technique; it usually takes a lot of time and practice to build the neural pathways that lead to a deeper orgasm. Note how your body feels different as you try on new routines, and give yourself credit for small changes. Most importantly, have fun with it! Follow what feels good.

P.S. Strong rec to watch the entire “Sexuality after SCI” video series from Mount Sinai Hospital, whether you have a disability or not — this series was truly life-changing (and sex life-changing) for me!

It’s been a violent and disregulating few weeks (//few centuries) in our country. With headline after headline of police brutality and mass shootings, I often forget to pause and check in with my body. Self-touch helps me to re-ground, re-center, and re-engage from a more resourced place. Here’s a six-minute guided self touch exercise you can do any time of day to find some spaciousness and calm.

The BBC did a segment on surrogate partner therapy yesterday! I’m so stoked to see mainstream media covering our work in a positive light. And (of course) I had a few critiques:

1. The reporter did a great job using the correct terminology – “surrogate partner” – but then the shortened version that went on the air said “sex surrogate” multiple times. UGH. How many times do we have to defend our right to choose the name of our own profession?
2. I got angry when the surrogate partner they interviewed said that our work is not sex work. We ned to stop throwing less privileged sex workers under the bus in order to legitimize our own profession. Just because we have to get certified to do our job doesn’t mean we’re not sex workers! We can hold our own comparative privilege and safety without shaming other types of sex work.

You can read the transcript of the BBC’s segment on surrogate partner therapy here: https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-56737828

We often think of self care as “healthy” activities like yoga or cooking a meal. But self care, especially in times of crisis, can take many forms.

Self care for crisis can include:

• Numbing
• Processing
• Releasing
• Soothing
• Wallowing

Numbing

We’re often quick to judge numbing activities. But when we’re experiencing overwhelming feelings, it’s important to take breaks. Numbing gives our bodies space to calm down.

Some examples: binge-watching TV, watching porn, eating junk food, zoning out

Releasing

When a feeling has us so triggered that we feel completely consumed by it, we need to let it out. What’s important when releasing is that we do it safely enough that we don’t harm ourselves or others.

Some examples: crying, punching a pillow, throwing things, screaming, going on a run//cardio

Processing

These are activities we may think of as more clasically healthy — ones that help us move the feelings through and integrate them. They’re important, but no more so than other types of self care.

Some examples: journaling, creating art, talking with a friend, therapy, going on a walk

Soothing

These are activities that calm our nervous system and make it a little easier to be in our body. They may share some overlap with numbing — but instead of pausing the feelings, they help us hold them.

Some examples: listening to music, cooking, taking a bath or shower, gardening, napping

Wallowing

Although wallowing may sound judgmental, it’s really just about being in the feelings. What’s important is knowing when to stop — to give yourself a break by trying on one of the other forms of self care.

Some examples: looking at photos of someone you’ve lost, feeling self pity, diving into upsetting memories

((Any or all of these examples might not work for you, or they might fit into different categories for you than they do for me))

What ways are you already taking care of yourself that you haven’t given yourself credit for?

How polyamorists and polygamists make the case for moving beyond the two-parent family

I’ve been delighted to see major publications increasingly covering alternative family structures lately. As I’ve talked about before, social norms around monogamous marriage and the nuclear family have created a lot of internal struggle for me. The rigidity of these structures — the expectation that life includes marriage, the judgment we hold toward who those who don’t conform — has made it challenging for me to feel into what relationship structures actually work for me. For a while, I assumed that if I wanted to live outside these norms, I’d have to accept being seen as a weirdo. But now it seems these ideas are making their way from the fringes into the mainstream.

An article in this week’s edition of the New Yorker, “How Polyamorists and Polygamists Are Challenging Family Norms,” takes a peak into the lives of several different multi-parent families who are making the case for expanding our definition of family. Fascinatingly, the article examines two very different perspectives: polygamous families who, in the formerly-Mormon tradition, invite men to have more than one wife, and polyamorous families who embrace nontraditional structures of all sorts.

The article is a great read, and as a nonmonogamous person myself, I felt a thrill seeing poly families get their moment in the spotlight. In particular, reading about a polycule of young folks who are building a queer-utopic home together on a big property in Ulster Park, New York, made my heart sing. Maybe someday soon these nontraditional family structures won’t be considered all that weird. Maybe the next generation will grow up in a world where they feel free to choose the structures that work for them — and ditch the ones that don’t.

In the meantime, we weirdos will trek on, turning our utopian dreams into reality.

Read the New Yorker article here.