New video: May I // Will You exercise

Ever wondered what a session of surrogate partner therapy looks like? One of the most common questions I get asked is what we actually do in the work: what sorts of exercises and practices do surrogate partners use with our clients?

Today, I’m delighted to share with you the first in a series of videos demonstrating some of the core exercises I use in my practice. Surrogate partner therapy, of course, can’t be reduced to a few exercises; the work is about forming an authentic relationship, and relationship-building transcends any step-by-step “how-to” process. But these exercises are ones I use with every client as we’re getting to know one another — as well as getting to know our own boundaries and desires. These exercises help us form the foundation of trust and self-awareness we need in order to bond.

May I // Will You is a simple communication and boundaries exercise that carries a surprising amount of depth. I introduce the “no” round of this game early on with my clients and return to it continuously throughout our work together, progressing to each  stage as the client feels ready to do so. I have found myself continuously humbled by how much we each learn about ourselves from this game. It may look basic on the surface, but it’s no joke — this is one powerful exercise.

Huge gratitude to filmmaker Jessica Friedman and actors Sango Tajima and Alex Trono for making this project with me. This video was a labor of quarantine love! I am blessed to be friends with a group of tremendously talented artists who all live together, and they were patient and willing as I guided them through the exercises via Zoom. I couldn’t have asked for a better crew to help capture my work. Love you all  ♥♥♥

One thought on “New video: May I // Will You exercise

  1. Thank you for a very interesting post and video. I was introduced to what she called “the may I/will you game” by my surrogate partner and therapist. An added component in her version is time limits, where the requested action is done for a set period of time, beginning with a minute or two and increasing as (and if!) the intimacy increases.


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