What is surrogate partner therapy?

Surrogate partner therapy is a modality of somatic therapy that helps a client overcome relational and sexual challenges through hands-on intimacy practice. Surrogate partner therapy follows a triadic structure: the client meets regularly with both a surrogate partner — sometimes referred to in the media as a “sex surrogate” or “sexual surrogate” — to practice emotional and physical partnership skills, and a therapist, to process and integrate their learnings.

What types of issues does surrogate partner therapy seek to address?

A transfeminine non-binary person and transmasculine gender-nonc

Every surrogate partner has different areas of expertise — the areas listed below are ones I’m passionate about:

  • recovering from sexual abuse and trauma
  • exploring one’s sexual or gender identity
  • exploring sexual intimacy with a disability
  • exploring one’s body and sexuality after a significant change (e.g. surgery, a physical accident, a breakup or divorce, coming out as LGBTQIA+, losing a loved one, receiving a positive STI result)
  • overcoming social anxiety, particularly in dating and relationships
  • learning healthy consent practices
  • learning how to achieve orgasm
  • learning how to delay orgasm or maintain arousal for longer
  • inexperience with dating and relationships
  • overcoming dependency on porn (aka “porn addiction“)
  • letting go of sex-shaming religious and cultural narratives

Photo by Zackary Drucker as part of Broadly’s Gender Spectrum Collection. broadlygenderphotos.vice.com/guidelines

Why do I need a therapist in order to start working with you?

I actually have a whole blog post answering this question so check that out if you want the long answer, but the short answer is: it’s impossible to have the professional distance required of a therapist when I’m partnering with a client. The hands-on, partnership-practice nature of surrogate partner therapy requires that I be truly “in it” with the client. The therapist helps us hold the container so that we’re always centering what’s best for the client. You can learn more about the therapist’s role in the triad here.

If you don’t currently have a therapist, check out the bottom of this page for a list of therapists I work with.

If you’re not interested in finding a therapist and working in the triadic model, but you’d still like to work with me, check out my somatic sex coaching offering. You can learn about the differences between surrogate partner therapy and somatic sex coaching here.

How long does surrogate partner therapy take and what is the schedule like?

There is no predetermined length to the surrogate partner therapy process — each journey is as unique as the person taking it. You, your therapist, and I will have regular check-ins on your goals and progress throughout the work, and we will decide together when you are ready to ‘graduate.’ Typically, the process takes at least six months of weekly sessions, with an average of about one year. Some factors that can affect the duration:

  • your goals
  • frequency of our sessions
  • how long you’ve been seeing your therapist
  • your experience with other therapies and forms of healing

For clients who live outside of the northeast, another option for working with me is to visit Western Massachusetts for an intensive: working together for a limited number of days on a condensed schedule. You can learn more about intensives here.

Photo by Zackary Drucker as part of Broadly’s Gender Spectrum Collection. broadlygenderphotos.vice.com/guidelines

Schedule

The typical schedule for surrogate partner therapy is either weekly or bi-weekly:

  1. Client and surrogate partner meet
  2. Surrogate partner and therapist discuss session on phone and plan for next session
  3. Client and therapist meet to process session and discuss other areas of client’s life

On a case by case basis, I also offer intensives for clients who live outside the northeast.

What isn’t surrogate partner therapy?

Surrogate partner therapy is not:

  • Indefinite: I will never be your actual girlfriend — I’m like a cute sidekick who helps you learn the skills you need so you can then take them out into the world and blow everyone away with your awesomeness
  • All about sex: It’s about relationships, communication, self-awareness, and slowing down. After a few months, my clients typically see changes in all their relationships — family, friends, coworkers — not just romantic ones.
  • Quick and easy: Surrogate partner therapy takes some real personal work. There’s a reason it’s supported by a therapist — the intimacy and vulnerability of being in relationship can touch on some of our deepest wounds.

How do I decide if surrogate partner therapy is right for me?

photo-by-kelly-sikkema-on-unsplashI always suggest talking to your therapist about it to start. (If you don’t have one yet, you’ll need one before we start working together — you can find more info on that here). Your therapist can help you decide if surrogate partner therapy is a good fit for you. If they’re unfamiliar with the work, send them my way. I’m always happy to talk to new therapists about surrogate partner therapy and guide them through the process.

Sometimes, just talking with your therapist about the challenges you’re facing can help. Sometimes, you may find you need actual practice — that’s where surrogate partner therapy comes in. Surrogate partner therapy provides a unique opportunity to learn and practice hands on relationship skills in a contained, safe(r) space with a partner. At every step of the way, I’m engaging in the work alongside you; over time, we build a loving, trusting peer relationship.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

How do I know if you’re the right surrogate partner for me?

First things first, read through my “About Me” to learn about my values and practice, and make sure you’re located close enough to work with me. You can also check out my blog and Instagram to get to know me a little better.

Next, talk to your therapist to discuss what you’re looking for in a surrogate partner. Here are a few blog posts that you might find helpful:

If you’ve read through my website and you feel ready to work with me, contact me to get started.

Where can I learn more about surrogate partner therapy?

If you’ve read through my website but want more information before you decide if surrogate partner therapy is right for you, check out Embrace: Surrogate Partner Therapy Resource Group. They offer free informational sessions for prospective clients and a clinical collaboration group for therapists and other practitioners who are interested in working with surrogate partners.

You can also check out the Surrogate Partner Collective, the surrogate partner therapy organization I work with, which has lots of resources about surrogate partner therapy. 

Where can I find other surrogate partners?

Surrogate Partner Collective

The best way to find a surrogate partner near you is via the Surrogate Partner Collective’s Referral Form. The Surrogate Partner Collective is a rad organization that launched a few years ago, bringing a liberatory, anti-oppressive lens to our field. I’ve been a paying member of their organization for a few years and recently started volunteering with them because I’m such a fan of their work. I recommend starting with the SPC if you’re looking for a surrogate partner.

Other referral options

The International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA), the organization I trained with in 2016, has a referrals coordinator, but I’ve heard from some clients that they’re not very responsive. You can find a map of all active IPSA-certified surrogate partners here. I’m not connected to IPSA at this time.

If you’re located in the UK, there’s also a clinic called ICASA (I don’t know much about them so can’t verify the quality of their services).

If there are no surrogate partners in your area, I recommend looking for a Somatic Sex Educator or Sexological Bodyworker in your area (see below).

What other modalities might I look into?

pexels-nothing-ahead-3230236Somatic Sex Education and Sexological Bodywork are two modalities I encourage many clients to consider. They are both forms of sexual healing work that share many concepts with surrogate partner therapy, but they differ from it in that they 1) typically include only one-directional touch and 2) don’t require the involvement of a therapist.

If what you’re really seeking is just sex, you’re probably looking for an escort. Unfortunately, prostitution is illegal in most parts of our country. (If you want to support the fight to change that, consider donating to badass sex worker organizations like Bay Area Workers’ Support and DecrimNY.) I can’t say much more about this topic here, but I would encourage you to check out Reddit.com/r/SexWorkers if you want to find more information.

Photo by Nothing Ahead on Pexels (@nothingahead on IG)

What are your fees? Do you offer sliding scale spots? Is surrogate partner therapy covered by insurance?

My standard hourly rate for surrogate partner therapy sessions is $275, and most sessions are two hours. I offer a steep sliding scale to clients in my priority areas. If you come from a background without access to wealth and are a person of color, queer, trans, gender nonconforming, nonbinary, intersex, and/or disabled, please contact me and we will find a rate that works for you. 

Why are surrogate partner therapy rates so expensive? The short answer is because this work is very intense — for both the practitioner and the client. I’m functionally in a committed relationship with each of my surrogate partner therapy clients, so unlike a therapist, I can’t take on 25 to 30 clients at a time. I’m typically maxed out at around eight clients, and my rates reflect that.

Unfortunately, surrogate partner therapy is not typically covered by insurance at this time. Groups like the Surrogate Partner Collective and Embrace are working to increase acceptance of surrogate partner therapy in the therapy and medical communities, so hopefully in the coming years we will begin to see insurance companies offering coverage of surrogate partner therapy.

Do you offer online sessions?

Surrogate partner therapy is a modality that really requires hands-on practice. While there are certainly many skills and tools we can learn together online, we’re going to need in-person sessions at some point in our time together. For clients who live outside of Western Mass and have to travel further to get to me, I do offer a mix of online and in-person sessions:

  • Starting with online sessions and transitioning to in-person when the time is right. Many of the skills and educational concepts learned in the early stages of surrogate partner therapy can be practiced without partner touch. Meeting online for several sessions at the beginning can be a helpful way to get acquainted and learn these foundational tools. When we feel like we’ve reached the point where online sessions aren’t as useful, we can plan to meet in person.
  • Hybrid: alternating in-person and online sessions. Another option for clients who aren’t able to come to my office frequently is to have an online session between each of our in-person sessions. You may choose to have a longer session when we meet in person and a shorter session online (e.g., a 3-hour in-person session once a month, and a 1-hour online session in between). In a hybrid model, online sessions are used to practice interpersonal skills, learn solo somatic exercises, stay connected, and check in about homework.

If I live further away, can I still work with you?

On a case-by-case basis, I offer intensives for clients who live outside the northeast. Intensives involve working together for a condensed period of time on a more frequent schedule. The schedule of an intensive can vary a lot; you, your therapist, and I will work together to find a schedule that works for all of us. Here are some examples of how an intensive might look:

  • Three days, meeting for a 2-hour session in the morning and afternoon each day, with a lunch break in the middle. (Total: 6 sessions, 12 hours of practice)
  • One week, meeting everyday for a 3-hour session (Total: 5 sessions, 15 hours of practice)
  • Two weeks, meeting every other day for a 2- or 3-hour session (Total: 6 – 8 sessions, 12 – 24 hours of practice)

Intensives are not right for all cases. Many sexual challenges require slow, consistent practice for a sustained period of time, and trying to fit that practice into a week or two can just lead to disappointment. If you’re interested in an intensive, contact me and we can discuss if it’s right for you.

Please note that for all intensives, clients are still required to meet with their therapist in between sessions. 

How do I start working with you?

I often have a waitlist, usually of about 3 – 6 months. If you have a therapist and are ready to be added to my waitlist, contact me and I will follow up with you about next steps.

What does a typical surrogate partner therapy session look like?

Each of our sessions will involve a mix of mindfulness, touch- and movement-based exercises, play, and communication. Each session looks different for every client, and we’ll mold your work to fit your needs and desires.

Check out the videos below for examples of some of the foundational exercises of surrogate partner therapy.

May I//Will You

A communication and touch game that helps us develop better awareness of our boundaries.

Sensate focus

Sensate focus is the core methodology of surrogate partner therapy. It helps us learn to touch our partner with groundedness and self-awareness.

Therapists I work with

I’m always happy to work with new therapists. Usually, the best therapist for the surrogate partner therapy triad is the one you’re already working with. If you don’t have a therapist and are looking for one to collaborate in the surrogate partner therapy triad, here’s a list of therapists and coaches I work with. If you’re not sure if you’d prefer a coach or a therapist, check out my blog post on the differences between the two.

Therapists

Coaches