Tag: coaching

What’s the difference between a coach and a therapist in the surrogate partner therapy triad?

Surrogate partner therapy relies on a triadic model, which means in addition to the surrogate partner, a client must also be working with a therapist or coach. There are some big differences between therapy and coaching, and clients aren’t always sure which one is best for them.

As a surrogate partner, I have worked with both coaches and therapists, and have had great cases and cases that didn’t go so well with both. I don’t have a strong preference toward either; the choice is really about what suits a client’s needs. So what are the differences?

Therapy

Therapy has a strict licensure process. In order to get licensed, therapists have to complete graduate level education, finish thousands of hours of training, and stick to very clear ethical standards in their practice. Therapy licensure is state-by-state (every state has different requirements) and in general therapists aren’t legally allowed to work with clients outside their state.

The extensive training and strict ethical standards therapists must abide by can provide a sense of safety for some clients. Those strict rules can also make some therapists balk at the sexual element of surrogate partner therapy and feel hesitant (or outright refuse) to work in the surrogate partner therapy triad. That being said, I have worked with many therapists who are enthusiastic about surrogate partner therapy right from the get-go — and have also seen many therapists who were initially hesitant about surrogate partner therapy change tune as soon as they saw the value of the work.

In terms of cost, many health insurance companies cover the cost of therapy, or charge a small co-pay, for therapists who are in-network, which can save clients thousands of dollars over time. That being said, it can often be tough to find a therapist your health insurance covers who has availability in their practice and is open to collaborating with a surrogate partner.

On the therapist’s end, dealing with insurance companies sucks; it requires a huge amount of time, labor, and bureaucracy navigation to become approved by an insurance provider, and to receive compensation for each session with a client. For this reason, many talented therapists don’t work with insurance companies. Out of pocket, therapists can be quite expensive.

Coaching

Unlike with therapy, there is no formal licensure or training process for coaching. Although there are coaching certification programs available, completing one is not required in order to use the title of “coach” — essentially, anyone can call themselves a coach. Coaches are not required to adhere to strict licensure standards the way therapists are.

This provides a lot more flexibility in a coach’s practice, and for this reason, many people trained as therapists decide not to go the licensed-therapist route and instead offer coaching. But it also sometimes means folks who aren’t very ethical offer coaching. As a surrogate partner, I tend to vet the coaches I work with a little harder than therapists; I want to ensure they have sufficient experience to support a client competently. (I will note: in my eight years as a surrogate, I’ve encountered just as many therapists as coaches — if not more — who operate in ways that seem unethical to me. The strict requirements of licensure are not a guarantee of ethical practice.)

When it comes to cost, coaches are rarely covered by insurance, so working with one can add up over time.

I find coaches (particularly sex coaches, or at least coaches who advertise themselves as “sex positive”) are often more open to working in the surrogate partner therapy triad than licensed therapists — but not always. When clients already have a therapist but the therapist has said they’re unwilling to collaborate in the surrogate partner therapy triad, I often recommend finding a sex coach for the duration of our work.

I have a few other blog posts on the topic of therapists: