Author: katherineyeagel

I am sending love to all my fellow sex workers today, particularly those of Asian descent. It has been a rough few days for the sex work community following the white supremacist terrorist attacks in Atlanta that killed eight massage parlor workers, six of them Asian women. I think we could all use a break, so today I’m sharing one of my favorite meditations for coming back into my body when I’m feeling overwhelmed, grief-stricken, anxious, upset, or alone: Sumitra Rajkumar’s Generative Somatics centering practice.

This practice comes from the Irresistible/Healing Justice podcast, which fell apart in a very public way after the publishing of Whitney Spencer’s letter about white supremacy culture at the podcast. I have complicated feelings about posting this episode, but ultimately decided that there’s value in sharing the wisdom of these amazing healers, activists, and leaders of color, despite what we now know about Kate Werning’s leadership.

This is a short ( ~ 15 minute) meditation and can be done in any setting. Take a few moments today to drop into your body, find your center, and feel the boundaries of your own skin. I hope you enjoy this beautiful resource.

Sumitra Rajkumar’s Generative Somatics Centering Practice

This post is written for people who have vaginas, but I imagine it could be beneficial for anyone who has sex with people with vaginas.

Despite the fact that I’m a sex educator and a surrogate partner, it wasn’t until about a year ago that I finally found my own G-spot. I’d always heard the myth that the G-spot was a ridgey area about two inches up the vaginal canal, found using a “come hither” motion with the index finger. This overly-specific adage had me confused for years! I tried to find my G-spot on my own and with multiple partners, but whenever someone touched the area two inches up my vaginal canal, not only was it not pleasurable – it usually caused me pain. It wasn’t until I started my somatic sex education training that I finally confirmed what I’d been suspecting for years: my G-spot was right at the entrance of my vaginal canal! Wondering where your G-spot is? Here are some helpful tips and tools for finding it:

• The G-spot is not a single “spot” — it’s more of an area. There’s still a lot of disagreement in the medical community about what the G-spot is, where it’s located, and if it even exists (sigh . . . leave it to the medical community to spend millions researching solutions for erectile dysfunction but still not have determined that the G-spot is real). One current theory that makes a lot of sense to me is that the G-spot is the back side of the clitoris (see image to the left) — the part that you can access from inside the vaginal canal instead of from the vulva. Everyone’s bodies are different, so the size and shape of your G-spot are unique to you; mine stretches a couple inches horizontally near the base of my vaginal canal.
• The G-spot can be located anywhere from right around the entrance of the vaginal canal to a few inches further up. For folks who have a lot of clitoral sensitivity in the glans (the only above-skin part of the clitoris, at the top of the vulva) or shaft (the part above the glans, just under the surface of the vulva), your G-spot might be a little higher up. For folks like me who are more sensitive along the vestibular bulbs or crura (legs) of the clitoris, you may find your G-spot is a little lower down. Use your index or middle finger to gently explore the forward side of your vaginal canal from the very base to a few inches up. If you’ve reached the spot where a tampon would sit, you’ve probably gone too far.
• It’s easiest to find the G-spot when you’re already turned on. You know those ridges everyone talks about when describing the G-spot? They get a lot more defined when your clitoris becomes engorged. Just like a penis, a clitoris gets erect when you get turned on. Before trying to locate your G-spot, spend some time stimulating your go-to masturbation spots. Once you’re feeling pretty aroused, that’s the time to begin gently exploring the front side of your vaginal canal with a fingertip. Feel around for the skin folds that feel kind of like the ridges of the brain or a coral reef.
• There is no magic location. Just like with the rest of our anatomy, everyone’s bodies are different. If someone was trying to find their belly button, you wouldn’t tell them to look five inches above where their pubic hair ends — that might be true for some folks, but it might be three inches for one person and ten inches for another. The size and location of your G-spot will vary depending on the size and shape of your body. Take the time to get to know your own unique anatomy.
• Not everyone enjoys G-spot stimulation. For some folks the G-spot is just not the spot. Don’t get down on yourself if you’ve spent some time trying to find the G-spot and it’s not getting you off. Erogenous zones are different for everyone — just because this one area isn’t your thing, it doesn’t mean you can’t access pleasure! Any body part can be an erogenous zone, so try exploring your nipples, fingertips, ears, perineum, neck, toes. It may feel like a bummer at first, but often times knowing what doesn’t work for your body can lead to even more self-discovery.

It’s official: I’ll be on the east coast starting in March 2021! I’ve been considering making this move for a while and, despite the turbulence our country and world is experiencing in this moment, the time is finally right for me to make my way east. Although it’s going to be hard to leave Oakland, my beloved home for the past eight years, I’m feeling giddy with excitement about returning to the northeast. I went to college in Connecticut and ever since I’ve been pining for the rolling hills, the lakes and swimming holes, and the changing seasons of New England. As a born-and-raised west coaster, I fell in love with the flaming reds and oranges of the autumn leaves, the crunch of snow under my feet in winter, and the hot summer nights. I can’t wait to return.

I’ll be based in Northampton, MA, but I’m open to working anywhere in the northeast. If you’re a client or therapist looking for a surrogate partner (not a “sex surrogate,” as we’re often referred to in the media) in Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, or Rhode Island, let’s get in touch to discuss working together. You can learn more about how I’m structuring my practice during the pandemic here.

If you’re located elsewhere in the States, no need to fret! I’ll be bi-coastal for at least the next year, with plans to return to the west coast for intensives in late 2021. I’m also open to working with clients and therapists in other parts of the country. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you have questions about working with me.

If I could tell you the number of times I’ve heard myself, my friends, and my clients say, “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

The thing is, there’s no right way to feel. Our emotions are cues. They tell us what’s going on in our internal world so that we can respond thoughtfully and strategically

Even if we wanted to, we can’t will ourselves to feel differently than we do. Trust me, I’ve tried 😆. When we try to push away an emotion or replace it with an emotion we’re not feeling, it inevitably comes out when we’re least expecting it — usually as aggression, withdrawal, or collapse.

Emotions themselves can’t be wrong, but certainly the actions we take in response can be harmful. Shouting at a loved one, hurting ourselves or others, and isolating ourselves from those who care about us, are all examples of ways we might act if we let our emotions take control.

So what do we do with ugly emotions we wish we weren’t feeling? How do we respond when we feel jealous of a friend, angry for “no good reason,” or disappointed about something we wish we didn’t care about? We can listen.

Listening to your emotions sounds so simple it’s almost dumb. But actually this is no easy task. Truly making room for your emotions, witnessing and honoring them no matter how disgusting they may seem to you, takes lots and lots of practice. Buddhist monks spend hours a day for years on end cultivating a practice of being with what is. Entire industries have evolved to support people in this task (including my own!).

So what are some accessible ways you can start making space for your emotions, even your ugly ones, right now?

• Tell a neutral, supportive friend what you’re feeling
• Journal about your emotion — give yourself permission to be as nasty or self-pitying as you want. Let it out!
• Meditate. My favorite meditation app is Insight Timer — it has lots of free guided meditations for all experience levels, from three minutes to an hour.
• Write a list of what you want to talk about at your next therapy session.
• Go on a walk, inviting your feelings in with each step.

Allowing your emotions to communicate what they need may feel hard at first, but with time it will become second nature. As always, be gentle with yourself.

Check out this new video demonstrating a sensate focus exercise. Sensate focus is the core methodology of surrogate partner therapy, helping us learn to touch from a place of grounded self awareness. Thank you to Jessica Friedman for filming and production.